Service 3/29/20

Sermon Notes:

When we go beyond what we can control, we inevitably get into drama. 

Sometimes that is fun! But usually, or eventually, it is not. 

The truth is, sometimes it is hard to tell what we can control and what we cannot control.

I used to think I could control my husband’s diet and keep him healthy. Because I love him!  I put a lot of energy into doing so, and, in fact, I had some effect. He likes to remind me that I am responsible for him EVER eating tofu…that one time.

 Still, we both began to enjoy our relationship more when I accepted that he was going to make some choices I disagreed with, choices that might even hurt his health.  Or not. Apparently, his constitution is a lot healthier and less sensitive than mine.

The trade was worth it! As I focused less on controlling his behavior and food, I remembered some long-forgotten things about him that I fell in love with, and I had more curiosity about who he had become in all the years we had been married, who we were both becoming. It is infinitely more exciting and fulfilling to stay in my lane and see what we create together as the people we are, rather than trying to choreograph things.

I used to think that old joke “when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” was really funny. Now, it sounds like a lot of work, and not much fun. Why can’t mama have her feelings and everybody else have theirs? Why can’t we discuss what we each need and craft a way forward?

I know! It’s not supposed to be taken seriously! But when I look at my old behavior, I see myself in that little “joke.”

The part of me that “KNOWS” I have a better idea of what my husband should eat than he does is not so happy. Honestly, that part of me would often rather be RIGHT than be happy. (sad face!)

 The part of me that wants to control others and the world tends to be afraid most of the time. I think that is why “she” feels the need to control so much instead of allowing other people the dignity of their own life experiences.

I don’t mind using myself as an example here because I know all of us have some version of this “self:” the part of us that finds being human just a tad bit overwhelming at times.

This very basic human fear can cause trouble with our boundaries…like nagging a beloved husband about what he eats or isolating or judging or…well, you get the idea. Our fears and poor boundaries affect all our human interactions in family and community.

We might find ourselves tending to other people and forgetting our own lives. Or we might turn to hoarding our energy, our resources, our love and affection and becoming callous toward others. Or we might do a bit of both, back and forth.

Boundaries are tricky business! We cannot live isolated from one another. And yet we cannot live enmeshed with one another.

 Boundaries need attention. They need to open and close according to the times, according to the circumstances, according to what we find out about ourselves and others. Life is dynamic and changing. We grow and learn. Boundaries are living and dynamic as well.

Understanding what is and is not within my control and working on healthy boundaries applies to facing events such as this current Corona virus outbreak.

Not only are there aspects of this out of our control (the outbreak itself, how the media handles it, what other people do or do not do), but there are aspects within our control(washing our hands, tending to our own mental health, finding ways to be helpful to one another from a safe distance, using this challenge as a spiritual practice to grow closer to God). 

With the social isolation, we will be having issues of intensified closeness with those we share housing, and also intensified aloneness if we live alone.

Therefore, this is an important time to practice good boundaries! Good boundaries start with knowing how we really feel and what we need. From here, we can be honest and open with ourselves and others.

This is one of my favorite tools.  Investigating my own feelings and needs works to let me know if I have become overly dependent on someone else and am expecting them to do something for me that I should be doing, first, for myself. I can also tell if I am struggling too much to control things that are actually out of my control. Or not asking for help when it is time to do so.

Getting curious about my own feelings and needs helps me give other people responsibility for their own behavior, and it helps me be responsible for mine.

This idea was introduced to me through the work of Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. 

Take a look at these feelings and needs inventories and see if you find yourself becoming more centered.

 Or perhaps you find your anxiety giving way to a good cry as you explore all the feelings and needs you have.

It could even be that, though we face uncertainty upon uncertainly, you find that you are experiencing more joy and love and gratitude than you realized.

Take a look and see what you think: 

https://www.rabe.org/downloads/Feelings%20&%20Needs%20Inventories.pdf

https://www.nycnvc.org/feelings

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

As our world tilts a bit, or a lot, during the current health crisis, fears and anxieties may surface.

You may notice that these fears and anxieties stem from all the uncertainty, all that is outside of our realm of control. Or you may notice that some of these fears mirror very old feelings of loss and confusion that you have carried for years.

Whatever you notice, know this: your feelings are as utterly unique as you are, and yet you can be 100% sure that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN HOW YOU FEEL.  You can be sure that others of us have similar experiences, and you can know that even God, who came into this life to have a body and experience humanity, understands how strange and difficult being human can be.

In addition to taking the time to show care for myself and identify my current feelings and needs, I find myself using the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. I use this prayer many times a day and I invite you to pray it with me.  This prayer is especially helpful when I identify a need that I do not readily see how to meet.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Friends, above all, I urge you to lay claim again to the promise that is Emmanuel: God with us. Christ IS with us. Christ is, indeed, among us. Jesus Christ is with each and every one of us as we walk through this time of questions and waiting. 

See you Online Sunday!

Yours in Christ,

Jane